Seeing the positives from the negatives
A month ago I attended the wedding of a close friend of mine. It was a beautiful, non-religious ceremony and a fantastic time was had by most during the following reception. During the reception I began a conversation with one of the bride's close friends from her university days.
At this point it's important for me to point out that I have spent the last few years of my life trying to become comfortable in my own skin. I have battled against depression and have been on prescription antidepressants for the last two and a half years; a familiar tale within the current paradigm as people do battle with the unfair demands of this socio-economic system that we all find ourselves participants in.
Myself and the lady in question hit it off instantly, and aided by the good vibes and a certain amount of alcohol consumption, had a fantastic six hours in each other's company. There were indeed lustful yet restrained activities, but there was also a great deal of conversation that showed that there was much that we shared in common. The sun had come up by the time we attempted to go to sleep. Upon leaving in the morning we both agreed that we would definitely stay in touch, with the full intention of meeting again in the not-so-distant future. So far so good.
Now here comes the difficult part. We both live in the UK, however I live in a place called Stratford-upon-Avon, famous as the birthplace of William Shakespeare. She lives in a place called Wigan, famous for pies and rugby. Even though our country is small geograhically, it is very expensive to travel around and the distance between the two places is comparatively large, so straight away there is an instant barrier. I work as an administration colleague in a retail outlet. She works in the marketing department of a software company. She is also about to to begin the second year of study for a PhD and once a month she gives her time to a volunteer job that is very dear to her.
Despite all this we began a very consistent and exciting period of text and voice conversations, that created a great deal of excitement in us both, that a genuine connection had been made, so we make plans to see each other on a particular weekend. A few days before our planned time together I received a text message from her. Despite the fact that she really likes me and wanted to become even closer to me, she no longer wants to see through the visit that we planned.
It turns out that the closeness that had developed between us in this short period of time had become a subject of concern for her. The distance, coupled with the particular demands of her lifestyle, had led her to believe that any potential relationship was untenable. My disappointment is massive, but there is a great deal of comfort that I can take from this turn of events.
Once this period of time involved with her had begun, I made the decision to begin the weaning process from my antidepressants. As far as I was concerned life was a much more manageable thing. I had already begun my exciting journey via TZM. The understandings that I have come to have helped me to realise that there were many things in this society that had an unhealthy domination on many aspects of my own life. I am also involved in some very exciting artistic projects, one of which I plan to share with the movement very soon. And now a wonderful, intelligent human being was looking forward to spending time with me. So the time was right for me to remove something that was threatening to become a debilitating influence on my psyche.
Now, the Andy Cantwell of three years ago would have broken into several pieces as result of that kind of rejection, but I feel fantastic in comparison to how that person would've felt. Is it the result of the work done by the antidepressants? While I accept that they may have played their part in the preceding years, considering that I'm on half the dose I was on two weeks ago, and that the majority of people struggle with adverse withdrawal effects during that sort of time period, I would suggest the answer is no.
The defining factor here is TZM. Without it I would not have been able to deal with the emotions that I have felt. The reason is simple. I now better understand the pressures and damage to human happiness that the current paradigm creates. The object of my affections made her decision because her entrenchment in the current structure means that her priority is to add some letters to her name in order to provide a better future for herself and that the expense of the travel for us both seemed beyond what she felt we could deal with. It's not her fault; she doesn't yet realise that there are other options. But what kind of world do we live in when people put practicalities in front of the potential for true happiness, and why is it so hard for so many to see? It's all so backwards.
I have very few regrets from this brief exchange in my life. I did my best, and behaved in a respectful way, but I wish that I'd had the chance to introduce her to the message we're championing before she made her decision to move on from our mutual idea. I may still do. There's nothing left to lose after all.
Stay strong everyone. It must only be a matter of time before more people realise that unhappiness is not something that should be expected as normal.